“Don’t let others’ behaviour change your personality.”

is what my cousin told me last week, as she asked me to go for a walk and clear my mind. I couldn’t do either of them. I thought that my first writeup on this website would be somewhat hopeful or at the very least maybe a little happy… but unfortunately, I feel as though I am writing this while sitting at the edge of my life.

When my cousin said that phrase, I couldn’t help but think about how much I’d lost myself. It felt a little too late to hear these words come out of her mouth. But yet, I needed to hear that. These past few months, it’s been evident just how much I’ve lost touch with myself. It does feel like an out-of-body experience, but it doesn’t feel as exciting as it sounds.

It feels like you’re watching yourself from the outside as you talk to your friends, talk at an interview, or talk to a crush who, at times, lights your world up on fire, just so you can feel something when surrounded by the cold of it all. You watch yourself hug your brother or your little nieces as you bravely allow the world to crumble and crash beneath you because nothing matters when you are with them. And as you watch yourself go through it all and live life like it’s just another day, you feel the sting of your own eyes, staring at your face with the utmost hate and disgust.

You hate the way you eat or can’t eat at times; you hate your skin; your disgusting brown body, your repulsive face that has gotten a million shades ugly; your weight and your obsessiveness about it. You hate how you talk to yourself, and you even hate how you talk to your friends. You can’t stand the thought of other people talking to you, knowing you exist, or looking at you. Your presence disgusts you, and you no longer feel strong like you used to. That. That’s the out-of-body experience I’ve been feeling lately, and if it’s not clear enough - this is not something I’m proud of.

I think I carry so much grief when it comes to who I am as a woman. No one prepared me or taught me to find comfort or solace while constantly losing to life as a woman, while constantly losing parts of myself as a brown woman.

Since it’s obvious that I haven’t been doing well recently…

I asked my friend Hailey, “What do you find beautiful in this life lately, since I can’t see it atm”

With all that being said, I’m not giving up on anything just yet! Maybe, things will get better, and hopefully soon, I’ll be writing more on here with a full heart instead of feeling lifeless like I do now.

Aneesha